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"Hi, do you come here a lot? What classes are you taking? We've never met but I've spent a lot of time on your facebook page." This is the sorry state of male communication with women in college. Guys are relying on e-mail, facebook and text messages to communicate with girls in college because doing it in person is much harder.
Lacking strong communication skills, many guys drink while socializing with women in order to feel more comfortable. But why do they feel uncomfortable in the first place? Some would say it’s natural and there’s nothing that can be done about it. But although rare, there are men who always feel relaxed and confident when meeting women. The truth is that the majority of college guys have underdeveloped communication skills.
Making matters worse is the acceptance of this poor communication with women. Most college guys spend no time improving their social skills because they don't think it's a problem that has a solution. Because a majority of college men have bad communication skills with women, looking at the guys around them for answers only reinforces the thought that there's no room for improvement. Men commonly believe that women are attracted to money, looks, and fame, and if you don't have these than you're left out. Most guys think that there is no hope if a girl doesn't find them physically attractive from the beginning.
The truth is that the ability to effectively communicate is the single most powerful skill a guy can have when socializing with a woman. And the good news for guys is that this is a skill that can be learned and perfected. Turns out that the same reason a guy finds it difficult to meet a girl and get to know her is why he would find it difficult to play the saxophone in his school's music concert. He doesn’t have a teacher and he's never practiced.
No one can walk, speak, or play an instrument at birth. They have to learn these skills and communication with women happens to be a skill that few guys have taken the time to learn. But just as your college professors teach you about English, math, and science, there are men who can teach you how to communicate with women.
My roommate freshman year in college was one of these men. He was not particularly good looking, he was not an athlete, and he was not well known in school. But after spending 20 minutes at a college party or any social function, he had girls and guys standing around him smiling and nodding their heads. For reasons I could not explain at the time, women seemed to like him more than any other guy in the room. He was very comfortable talking to strangers and while most guys would be nervous starting a conversation with a girl they did not know, he found it to be exciting. I remember telling him that he naturally had the social skills that so many guys wanted. "You need to teach this stuff," I told him. But he wasn't interested in teaching. Fortunately, I was.
Many top CEO's and self improvement guru's, such as Tony Robbins, commonly say that the best way to learn something is to model a person who is doing it well. When I was a kid I wanted to become a better hockey player so I copied the way Wayne Gretzky always kept his head up when he skated. In the same way, I began to model my roommate's social behaviors, focusing on his body language, the things he said, and how he responded to questions and disagreements from women.
Modeling a successful person however, is only half the equation. Few people know that although Gretzky was naturally gifted he also practiced 8 to 9 hours per day as a kid which enabled him to dominate in the NHL. If a college guy wants to improve his communication skills with women, he has to practice.
How do you practice your communication skills? Start being much more social. After learning from my roommate I started communicating with women as often as I could, frequenting social functions and talking with 5-10 girls every time. I began to see clear patterns in their responses. Certain things I said or did constantly produced positive responses while other things always produced negative ones. This social practice, along with the modeling of other socially successful men, resulted in my ability to communicate very effectively with women. I have used this new social skill to form fulfilling friendships and to attract incredible women into my life.
I want to share with you three important communication patterns I saw with girls that can make you a much better communicator.
- If you want a better response from a girl, you have to ask better questions. What is your major, how old are you, where are you from, and what dorm do you live in are questions that have one-word non-emotional answers.
If you want a girl to be more interested in your conversation you need to her to feel emotional about something. What excites you? What are you passionate about? What is one of your happiness memories? How does (the subject she's talking about) make you feel? These are questions that make every girl pause and go into an emotional state, allowing for a deeper and more meaningful conversation.
Contrarily, in the beginning of a conversation, you should never ask women about their problems or initiate negative topics. If you do, they will begin to feel negative emotions and they will link them to you.
- Don’t excessively compliment girls or compliment too quickly upon the first meeting. Most guys think that complimenting a girl will make her like them but the opposite is true. Complimenting a girl too often during a conversation or as soon as you meet her subconsciously indicates that you have no inherent value. You are relying on your compliment instead of your personality to make the girl interested in you. This is unattractive to women because they will see your compliments as a disguise for your lack of personality.
- Don’t change your opinion just so it matches with the girl you’re talking to. If you tell a girl you love to play baseball and she says she finds the game boring, many guys would quickly change their opinion to match the girls, with a comment such as, "Yeah, it can be really slow, I don't play that much anymore." This is unattractive because women are attracted to strong minded men. Disagreeing with a girl when her opinion differs from yours is always more attractive then agreeing with everything she says.
The problem for college men is that it’s much easier to find a music professor who can teach them to play the saxophone than it is to find a communication coach who can teach them to attract women. The internet abounds with websites teaching men how to "seduce," "pick up," and "get hot chicks" but these resources are solely focused on the art of the one night stand and leave out the millions of guys who want to learn how to meet, communicate, and hang out with a girl on their campus they're attracted to.
This problem along with the urging of my many friends who I had been giving social advice to for years, led me to create ListenActAttract.com, a website dedicated to teaching men in college how to attract women. Many college guys feel lost when they see a girl they would love to meet. Other guys settle for spending time with a girl who is interested in them rather than pursuing the girl they are really attracted to. ListenActAttract.com was made for both types of guys.
A problem that so many guys have finally has a cure. Communication with women. First find a teacher. Then practice. Life just got a lot more fun.
Ryan Clauson
Director
Listen Act Attract
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