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Funny Graduation Speeches

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There is something about humor that makes a graduation speech that much better. It is much needed to keep the participants, their friends, families and all other audience members interested in a ceremony that can last up to a few hours long. We have collected a list of the most memorable graduation speeches ever, done by comedians most of you all know.

  1. Seth McFarlane

    Who: Seth McFarlane, the main voice behind Family Guy. He gives his speech in the characters of Peter, Stewie and Quagmire.
    Where: Harvard '06
    Best Line: As Quagmire:
    I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment being here because I've banged chicks in every school in the Ivy League, except Harvard. You are by far the toughest to get into.

  2. Will Ferrell

    Who: Will Ferrell. Will even includes his famous George Bush impersonation into the speech.
    Where: Harvard '03
    This is part one of a 5 part series: Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.
    Best Line:
    I probably shouldn't use the word ain't during this day in which we celebrate education, but that's just the way I play it, holmes.

  3. Steven Colbert

    Who: Steven Colbert
    Where: Knox College '06
    Transcript available here.
    Best Line:
    And if someone does offer you a job, say yes. You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.

  4. Conan O'Brien

    Who: Comedian Conan O'Brien
    Where: Harvard '00
    A Transcript of this speech can be found here.
    Best Line: Opening statement:
    I'd like to thank the Class Marshals for inviting me here today. The last time I was invited to Harvard it cost me $110,000, so you'll forgive me if I'm a bit suspicious.

  5. Jon Stewart

    Transcript
    Who: Jon Stewart
    Where: William & Mary '04
    Best Line:
    I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat.
    Jon Stewart Commencement Speech

  6. Ali G

    Who: Ali G, British comic who had somewhat of a controversial speech that covered topics on sex, drugs, and race.
    Where: Harvard '04
    Best Line:
    First of all, I iz got to say I iz a bit nervous speakin to so many of you - at least me would be if I weren't totally mashed. Normally de only public-speaking I does is to 12 people - and it's well easy all me has to say iz me name and de words 'not guilty'.

  7. Bill Gates

    Who: Bill Gates. Bill may not be known for being as much as a comedian as others on this list, but the opening part of his speech is pretty funny.
    Where: Harvard '07
    Best Line:
    I want to thank Harvard for this honor. I'll be changing my job next year and it will be nice to finally have a college degree on my resume.
  8. Russell Baker

    Speech Transcript
    Who: Russell Baker, an American author and humorist.
    Where: Connecticut College '95
    Best Line:
    The best advice I can give anybody about going out into the world is this: Don't do it. I have been out there. It is a mess.

Bonus

On a serious note, one of the more highly respected graduation speeches was the speech Steve Jobs gave to the 2005 graduating class of Stanford. While not on the same humor level as these other speeches, Jobs really gave a very motivating speech.

Also see The Ultimate Graduation Resource List

 
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Cornell note taking method

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As a college student you will need to perfect your method of note taking. Accurate and thorough class notes are an important part of your college career. It is essential that you learn how to take notes in class that you will be able to understand later when you study. Learning and utilizing good note taking skills will be an asset that will benefit you throughout your college education and beyond. There are a variety of different ways you can take notes, however the Cornell Note Taking System, is a method that is not only efficient but it saves time as well.

What is the Cornell Note Taking System?

Designed by Walter Pauk of Cornell University, this method of taking notes allows you to take notes that are organized, thorough and easy to understand. The key to this system is that you do not re-write complete sentences, however, you would write down main ideas and use abbreviations instead.

Cornell Notes

How to use the Cornell System

1) Divide your page into two columns; the cue/keyword column and the note-taking column. Your note-taking column should be about six inches wide while your cue column should be about two to three inches wide. Label your columns as such. Leave room at the bottom of your page for your summaries.

2) Next, you should follow what the method calls “The Five R’s”.

  • Record: during class, use the note-taking column to record important ideas and facts. Try not to write out complete sentences, as this will take too much time. Instead use abbreviations or symbols. Be sure to write clearly and even put page numbers for reference to your text later. During this step you should also take the time to summarize your notes. You should leave yourself extra space at the bottom of your page for a brief summary.

  • Reduce: After class or soon after, go through your notes that you took during class. Summarize them using one or two words. Record these in your cue/keyword column. By reducing large chunks of information, into one or two keywords, you are forcing yourself to memorize and learn the information from class.

  • Recite: Fold your paper in half or cover the note-taking column. Go through the keywords you recorded and try to recall the main ideas of the lecture by using your own words.

  • Reflect: Go through your notes and think about the significance of the facts or how you can apply them to other facts from your text. Form opinions and relationships with your information.

  • Review: You should review your notes often. Go through your information for a few minutes each day. This will help you retain the information and be well prepared for upcoming exams.

Of course, some students may have other note-taking methods that they find work better for them. The Cornell method is one that has been used by many students over the past fifty years and is recommended by most professors across the country. After using the Cornell system you will notice that you retain more information from your lectures and your notes are easier to understand when studying for exams.

 
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Early Action

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Some high school seniors have their hopes and dreams set on admission into one specific school and that’s it. They may know right away that, if accepted, they will attend their first choice school. Many schools offer what is known as “early action” programs, where you can apply to your first choice school earlier than usual as well as receive a decision of your admission earlier. This program has its pros and cons and you should carefully analyze if it is something that would benefit you.

What is Early Action?

Not to be confused with “early decision” but “early action” is a program offered by some colleges and universities where you can apply to their school before the normal deadline. You will also receive a decision on your application earlier than normal as well. The average deadline for applying for early action is November, but can vary from school to school. The admissions office will let you know of their decision around December.

PROS

There are good things about Early Action, which make the program beneficial for a lot of students.

  • Non-Binding: meaning that you can apply for the early action, but you will not be bound to attending the school if you are accepted. This means you can field letters of acceptance from other schools before making your decision.

  • You can decide early. Some students really will attend their first choice school if they are accepted; by using the early action program, they can apply and begin the admission process early, instead of waiting until later in their senior year for the traditional deadlines.

  • Non-restrictive: You can apply to more than one college or university under the early action program and regular admission programs. This will allow you to not only apply to your first choice school, but any other schools you may want to attend.

CONS

As there are pros, there are also cons to the Early Action program. Keep these in mind before applying for early action to the school of your choice.

  • Single-Choice Early Action: This is a new version of the early action program that is being used by some schools. Single-Choice Early action is NOT binding, however under this program you cannot apply to other schools under their early programs. You can however, apply for regular admission to other schools.

  • Competitive: Students who rank high in their high school class usually utilize Early Action programs. These students are usually highly intelligent and gifted; therefore admission during early action periods is very competitive.

Early Action should be used by students are who are confident in their grades and college admission testing scores. They should also be certain that the school(s) they want to apply early to, are the schools that they will most likely attend. Early Action generally gives a head start to students who are confident in their decision to attend a specific school. If you are unsure of the school you may want to attend, or you would like to throw your application out to a variety of schools, you should stick with the regular admission deadlines.

 
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Early Decision

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Some high school students know exactly which school they would like to attend and they may have no other schools in mind. Maybe it is the school their parents attended or it is the university that is within driving distance from your home? Whatever the circumstances are, these types of students would be ideal for Early Decision programs. If you are a well-rounded high school student who can back up your application with the grades and activities to prove so, and you know there is only one school you have your hopes up for, then you may want to think about Early Decision.

What is Early Decision?

Early Decision programs are offered at many colleges and universities across the country. These programs give students a head start on the admission process by allowing them to apply early. These students will also receive notice of a decision earlier than usual as well. By applying under the early decision program, you are showing your first choice school that you are definitely interested and committed to attending their school, if accepted. Before applying to your intended college under early decision, there are a few things you should think about first to see if this is something that is a good fit for you.

PROS

  • Head Start: applying as an early decision candidate gives you a head start on the whole college admission process. You will have an earlier deadline for your application, usually November, however you will also receive a decision earlier. If accepted, you can get a head start on other paperwork such as dorm assignments, college interviews, financial aid, etc.

  • Admission rates may be higher: Statistics show that colleges and universities accept more early decision candidates than they do regular candidates. Part of this reason is because early decision candidates are positive about their decision to attend the school.

  • Two chances: If you are declined as an early decision candidate, you may still be eligible as a regular candidate. Check with the college to see if you would have to resubmit your application for regular admission or if your application will automatically be reverted over to the later deadline.

CONS

  • Binding: Unlike early action, if you apply as an early decision candidate, your admission is binding; meaning if you are accepted, you have to attend the school. That is why this program is ideal only for students who not only fit the profile of students at the school, but who are certain that they do want to attend the school if accepted. This means that you should also research tuition costs and financial aid eligibility prior to application.

  • Restrictive: You cannot apply to any other “early” programs at any other schools. You can, however, apply to other schools under regular admission guidelines.

Early Decision is definitely a program that is perfect for students who are confident in their first choice school. The ideal student is one who knows exactly which school they want to attend and knows that they fit the profile of the current students. Since early decision is binding, it is stressed that upon acceptance you will attend the school and withdraw any other applications you may have out to other schools. This is definitely a program that is reserved for students who are committed and confident in their decision.

 
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Rolling Admission

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For the student who waits until the last moment or who is unsure of where they would like to attend college, then a rolling admission program may be ideal. A lot of schools offer this as a way to entice more students to apply to their school, without the stress of a deadline. Rolling admission also alleviates the senior year pressure, as you are not under major admission deadlines.

What is Rolling Admission?

Rolling admission is offered by some schools as a way to open up the admission period for incoming students. Instead of a standard deadline for applications, they will accept applications over a longer time frame, usually 4-6 months, until the incoming class is filled. You will receive notice of a decision shortly after your application, no matter when you submit it. There are advantages and disadvantages to rolling admission that should be considered ahead of time.

PROS

  • Since there is no standard deadline, you have a longer period of time to complete your application and submit it to your intended school. This is perfect for the student who is looking for backup schools in case they are not admitted to their first choice. It leaves them plenty of time to apply to another school before the end of their senior year of high school.

  • Less pressure. Since there is no standard deadline, students do not feel like they are pressured to hurry up and write that winning essay and they have time to boost up their GPA before submitting their high school transcripts to their intended college.

CONS

  • Since Rolling Admission has such a wide open admission period, students who wait until the very end may be denied as the school may have filled their limit of incoming freshman.

  • Most colleges have an allotted amount of money for grants and scholarships for incoming students, however these funds are awarded on a first-come, first-serve basis to eligible students, so the student who waits until the last minute may miss out on money that would otherwise help pay for their tuition.

  • On campus housing assignments are awarded early, so if you wait until the last minute to apply to a school, you may not be eligible for housing or you may be put on a dorm waiting list. This could pose a problem for the student who applies to a school out-of-state and who would otherwise need on-campus living arrangements.

  • Although a school offers rolling admission that does not mean that they prefer students to wait until the last minute. If you apply during the normal deadline, you will stand out as a more dedicated, and conscientious student.

Applying as a rolling admission candidate can be beneficial to certain students. For example, if you are going to be a commuting student and you will most likely be funding your tuition with loans, then this type of admission program would be perfect. Otherwise, it is recommended that you apply to your intended school(s), early enough to be considered for grants, scholarships, and on campus housing.

 
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How to write a great Thesis Statement

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As a college student, you will be doing a lot of research and writing, even if you are not majoring in English. College level writing assignments differ from high school, as college professors are looking for strong and solid thesis statements within your writing. Usually a thesis statement can make or break your paper, so it is best that you perfect the art of crafting a well-written thesis statement.

What is a thesis statement?

Thesis statements are basically the main idea of your paper. Your thesis statement can range anywhere from one sentence (recommended) to a short paragraph depending on professor requirements. It should contain the preface of what is to come in the rest of the paper. It should be insightful, well researched and interesting enough to make your audience want to continue on to the rest of the paper.

How do you write a solid statement?

Usually solid thesis statements engage the reader by giving them an idea of what the paper is about. In order to write a good thesis statement, you need to gather up your main topic of your paper, and craft it into one sentence. If your paper is about balancing the federal budget, then you should state that in a well-written statement at the beginning of your paper. Your thesis should be focused and should state not only the main idea or topic, but should be a bit more specific to your individual paper. You should be prepared to defend and back your thesis statement throughout the rest of your paper.

How do you know if you have a good thesis statement?

Your thesis statement is the most important part of your paper. Since it “makes” the paper, it is important that you spend time writing a good statement. So how can you be sure your statement makes the grade?

  • Be specific: Your statement should not be general. It should be a specific idea based off of your general topic.

  • Defend: If you are writing an argumentative essay, then your thesis statement should set the groundwork and you should be ready to use the rest of your essay to defend your thesis.

  • Personal opinion: Try to leave out personal opinion in your thesis, and instead derive your statement on fact. The only time you may be able to get away with any type of personal belief in your thesis is if you are writing an opinionated essay; even then you should use that first sentence or two to lay the groundwork and then use the rest of the paper for your opinion and defense.

  • Support: Be sure to back your thesis up with facts as this will make your thesis stronger and more worthy of respect.

Since the thesis is a very important part of your paper, be sure you spend time coming up with one that is catchy, informative, and thoughtful. When in doubt, you can always ask your professor for help or even visit the writing center on your college campus. This way you can have someone evaluate your thesis and point out areas where you can improve, if necessary.

 
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How to cure writers block

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Writers Block

Writer’s block occurs in almost every writer for a variety of reasons. It happens all the time in some writers, and hardly at all in others, but it is known to put a damper on the progress of an author. There are, however, ways to cure writers block even for the student who gets this “illness” before every big paper.

STORY STARTERS

Depending on the nature of your assignment, story starters may be of some help to you. Since we are in the age of information technology, you can just hop on the Internet and Google the phrase “story starters” to help you with any of your creative writing assignments. You will come across a wealth of resources to assist you with that short story. Let your imagination flow from there.

RESEARCH

If you are doing a research assignment or something that is based on facts, then it is best to review all of your researched notes first. You usually need a catchy opening paragraph and this is typically when a lot of writers catch the block. You can usually start with one fact or statistic and then start writing. In most cases, just write anything and when you are finished writing your paper, you can go back and edit your opening. By then your writers block may have been unconsciously cured and writing that first paragraph will be easier to compose.

ROADBLOCKS

Some students catch writer's block in the middle of their paper. It happens all the time: you are writing your paper and making progress and then out of nowhere you are stuck. You do not know where to go with your ideas and you start to get frustrated. If this happens, then it’s a good sign that you need to take a break from your assignment and clear your mind a little. Go have a cup of coffee or a snack. Then review your notes and ideas and then head back to your paper. You should be able to sail right past that roadblock and finish your assignment.

OTHER TIPS

  • When in doubt, just write down the first thing that comes to mind. It does not have to be formatted correctly or be perfect grammar, just write it. Take that idea and then try to write based off of that first idea.

  • Try not to get too frustrated or start worrying excessively about your writer’s block. Doing this will only make it worse. Instead, just relax and clear your mind to allow freethinking.

  • Eliminate distractions. If you have writers block, then watching television or listening to the radio will only distract you and prolong your illness. Try to do your writing in a quiet area such as a library or coffee house and do your best to eliminate everyday distractions.

It has been said that writer’s block is an unknown occurrence, with no real cure. It is basically something that happens to a lot of writers at different times, but for various reasons. Do not let writer’s block overcome you; instead be armed with your own tips and tricks to conquer it, if and when it arises.

 
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